Easily assembled says the blurb,
It really doesn't take too long,
But, Mr Flatpack furniture designer
You know that's wrong wrong wrong.
It may be just fine on a bench in
A custom built assembly store
But when we do it at home
We have to build it on the floor.
I suffer from Dyspraxia which means
My coordination is somewhat lacking.
It takes me all my time to deal with
All that necessary unpacking.
They use indestructible plastic bags
To pack in all the various bits
And there's always one of them
That unexpectedly splits
The pieces somehow find
Most unexpected resting places,
They seem to have a knack for
The most inaccessible of spaces.
The instruction sheets are printed
In a print that's far too small
Or in fifteen different language or
They're barely adequate at all.
Screws A, B. C,D and E
All look the same size
To my ageing eyes.
My wife has learned to retreat
To somewhere nowhere near
With one of a pair of pillows
Clasped firmly over each ears..
She's learned not to asks
For ongoing progress reports
She gets so easily offended
By expletive ridden retorts.
You see, I need to swear to cover
My justified frustration and ire
Because if I didn't I'd probably
Set the whole bloody thing on fire.
The time finally comes when
I've eventually made it good;
Now I just need to clean those
Bits liberally spattered with my blood.
I feel the pride of man the hunter
After his first mammoth kill.
Look what I've achieved in spite
Of bad coordination and skill
All I need to do now is
Pack all me tools away.
I've beaten all the odds
And it only took a day.
Very Easily assembled said the blurb,
It just shouldn't take too long,
But we all know that they're lying
And that's just wrong wrong wrong.